“Stop it, you BITCH! Can’t you see that you’re destroying yourself?” , the Rational One screamed at the top of her lungs. She was so tired of this… the old bullshit: the bitch falls in love, gets rejected, she writes a story in which she kills the jerk that made her suffer. It already became a boring routine for the Rational One.
“I’m not destroying myself, honey. It’s just… you know, it’s so nice to be in love! All those butterflies and—”
“Those butterflies are fucking WARNING SIGNS that you’re gonna get yourself in serious trouble!!! That’s not love, stupid! That’s TOXIC ADDICTION!”
“No… it’s not addiction. It might be toxic, but it’s not even close to addiction.”
“THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT??”
“No, love’s not the word… I’d say caring is more likely to fit.” the Lunatic One answered, in her deep, dreamy voice.
“How do you know it, dummy? Have you ever been in love? Do you know what being in love means?”
The Rational One was beginning to lose all that little amount of self control that she had left from all the past similar experiences. She wanted to tell the Lunatic that what she’s doing is not healthy for her. But will that head-in-the-clouds bitch ever understand it??
“I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. Honestly. And I know that love is mostly a “grown-up” thing. And in a way, I like to think that I am beginning to grow up for real. All the boys I’ve “loved” before… I simply wanted them. And I know that because I’ve always tried to have them in a romantic way. But this time? All I need from this guy is that he would keep talking to me. I don’t even care about the fact that I’m not special for him, or that what we had wasn’t so special. I don’t care if he’ll want to talk to me simply as to a friend, or even colder than that. I’m not asking for his attention. I just need to know he’s there.”
The Lunatic was making a point. A good one, actually. Maybe she wasn’t so good at explaining, but let me try and see if I can fix it. So you will understand that she was actually honest when she said that she was not “addicted” to him.
You see… there is a fine line between falling in love and developing an addiction for a person. A line which the Lunatic planned not to cross this time.
When being addicted to someone, you want that someone all for yourself. You don’t care if they’re happy in that place or not. All that matters to you is to have them, in the way you want to have them. However, falling in love with someone, makes you wish all the best for them. It makes you be sad when they are sad and happy when they are happy. It makes you want to give them everything they need. Freedom included. Space included. Time included. All those things that you usually wouldn’t give to someone you’re addicted to, but you’d give them anytime to someone you care for.
“Well… yes. You’re right, I can’t say the opposite. But it’s toxic, little one. It’s slowly killing you on the inside. And you can’t deny it.”
“Not really. But even if it is, this is the beauty of life… giving without receiving or expecting anything back. Feeling. All the types of things. From love to rejection, from happiness to sorrow. Every single one of these feelings is beautiful in its own way.”
“How can you say that suffering because of a jerk is a beautiful feeling?”
The Rational raised an eyebrow. From this point, though, she knew for sure that she was just wasting her time. Because if the Lunatic gets her mind fixed on something, it takes hard work to convince her that she’s not right. However, the Rational was getting even more annoyed at the thought that, this time, the Lunatic may be right.
“The greatest works of art were born because of the artist’s grief.” , the Lunatic stated firmly, conjuring her dreamy voice again. “Besides, suffering is a big word. I’m not a drama queen, so I’m not gonna use it.”
“Alright, I see… getting hurt and then romanticizing it… Are you some undercover poet, dummy?”
“We all are a bit poetical when we feel something intensely. Fair enough, most poets come to light only when they are hurt. But some of us can romanticise happiness, too.”
“Wait… I don’t understand anything you’re trying to philosophy about. So just… tell me how you feel, dumb ass!”
“I’m happy for him, you know? That he told me “we” couldn’t quite exist. He would have ended up in a relationship that he wouldn’t have been happy in. So I’m glad he told me straightforward that I didn’t stand a chance with him. I didn’t want to push this thing. If he’s not comfortable with it, that’s totally fine. And I want him to be happy, not caring if this happiness will be due to me or to someone else. He deserves it. At the same time though, I can’t lie saying that I’m not hurt. I am. In the slightest bit, but I am. Maybe just for now. But my experience so far (and him, of course) taught me that it’s the beauty of life. How can you know when you’re happy, if you never get to experience what sadness feels like?”
“But you got to experience it, I mean the sadness… many times. Too many for your own good, might I add.”
The Rational One rolled her eyes. She did not enjoy losing an argument with the Lunatic. But she knew she could do nothing more than trying to open her eyes upon the matter at hand.
“So what? Can you ever say you’ve had enough of love, enough of happiness? No! The same happens when it comes to negative feelings. You can never get enough of those. Especially when you’re young. There are hundreds of different ways to suffer. There are thousands of reasons why you could suffer. Just as there are hundreds of different ways to be happy, and thousands of reasons why you could be happy.”
“You know what? I like how it sounds when you say it… But I still suggest we should kill the fucker. Not for real, you know? Just… in here. In your mind space. Like we did before, with all the other jerks that made you suffer. Remember?”
The Lunatic managed a small smile and a little laughter. It sounded coming from far, far away, as if it was time travelling. She closed her eyes and fell silent for a couple minutes. The Rational One waited, hoping that her words would finally get to the Lunatic.
But the Lunatic was set on her idea. Behind her closed eyes, she envisioned the Rational’s suggestion. Soon enough, she found out she couldn’t picture anything like that. With all of the others, it has been so simple, seeing herself with a knife in her hand, or with a gun, or preparing a poisonous drink. In spite of her usual need to kill people in her mind space, she was glad that she found herself unable to even picture anything close to that with him.
She laughed again. More lively, this time. She opened her eyes and smiled. The Rational One knew it was going to be over, so she stamped her foot on the floor in the way a little child would do it. The Lunatic One’s smile widened. She was already feeling happier.
“I want him alive in my mind space, sweetie. He’s nothing like “all the other jerks”. And he didn’t make me suffer. In fact, I really enjoyed his presence.”
“That’s the only place I could relive what has happened between us. So let me keep that. Thank you!”