Her body was floating downwards, slipping deeper and deeper and deeper underwater. All the air inside of her lungs had gone out, leaving in only the dirty water in the lake. Her brain was close to shutting down. She was aware of the fact that she was drowning. But she was at ease with this information.
It was a huge paradox going on in there. She was afraid of depths, and that included, of course, deep water. Yet here she was, floating down, down, down…
She’s always been scared to go swimming into that lake. But now, she simply got tired of staying near the shore. So she dived in.
She often associated that lake with her anxiety about life. She wanted to face it. But she was too scared to. But only now did she realise that it was actually quite simple.
All you had to do was just dive in.
Nothing to worry about.
Just go with the flow.
I don’t know how to swim.
See? It’s easy. Nothing else to worry about.
These were the thoughts that spun and swirled in her mind, during the last few moments of her life. She was trying to block out the train of memories that wanted to pass behind her eyes. She didn’t want to see it again, to live it again, to feel it again.
It was enough.
They say it’s ok not to be ok. So why wouldn’t it be ok to die? Everyone is “not ok” in their own way. Some people are “not ok” by eating too much. Others are “not ok” by crying too much, faking their happiness too much, sleeping too much, avoiding everyone else too much.
Too much. It means more than enough. It sounds like abusing of all these things. But dying? It’s never too much.
It’s just enough.